Peter
Having now worked through all of those, first particular thanks for the several
out-and-out errors caught. Second, my draft for review by my co-authors has a
mixture of accepted change (the largest group), not changed, and revised to a
third form (the second largest group). In particular, the first comma case I
resolved by restructuring the sentence.
As indicated, I need to get buy-in (or further revisions) from my co-authors,
but I hope a -07 will be relatively quickly produced.
Christopher
--
Christopher Dearlove
Senior Principal Engineer
BAE Systems Applied Intelligence Laboratories
__________________________________________________________________________
T: +44 3300 467500 | E: chris(_dot_)dearlove(_at_)baesystems(_dot_)com
BAE Systems Applied Intelligence, Chelmsford Technology Park, Great Baddow,
Chelmsford, Essex CM2 8HN.
www.baesystems.com/ai
BAE Systems Applied Intelligence Limited
Registered in England & Wales No: 01337451
Registered Office: Surrey Research Park, Guildford, Surrey, GU2 7YP
-----Original Message-----
From: Peter Yee [mailto:peter(_at_)akayla(_dot_)com]
Sent: 30 June 2017 07:47
To: gen-art(_at_)ietf(_dot_)org
Cc: manet(_at_)ietf(_dot_)org; ietf(_at_)ietf(_dot_)org;
draft-ietf-manet-rfc5444-usage(_dot_)all(_at_)ietf(_dot_)org
Subject: Genart last call review of draft-ietf-manet-rfc5444-usage-06
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Reviewer: Peter Yee
Review result: Ready with Issues
I am the assigned Gen-ART reviewer for this draft. The General Area Review Team
(Gen-ART) reviews all IETF documents being processed by the IESG for the IETF
Chair. Please treat these comments just like any other last call comments.
For more information, please see the FAQ at
<https://trac.ietf.org/trac/gen/wiki/GenArtfaq>.
Document: draft-ietf-manet-rfc5444-usage-06
Reviewer: Peter Yee
Review Date: 2017-06-29
IETF LC End Date: 2017-06-29
IESG Telechat date: 2017-07-06
Summary: Ready with issues.
Major issues:
Minor issues:
Page 12, 2nd bullet item: I disagree that this is an implementation detail.
Unless there's additional signaling which indicates which implementation
generated the packet, how is the receiving demultiplexer to know whether the
sending multiplexer added a Message TLV or that was done by the protocol?
Nits/editorial comments:
General:
Somebody needs to strangle the comma fairy. She was a bit too liberal with
this document. ;-) I didn't take the time to clean up all of the excess
commas, but many are noted below.
Change "end to end" to "end-to-end" throughout the document.
Specific:
Page 3, Section 1, 2nd paragraph, 1st sentence: delete the comma after "in".
Page 3, Section 1, 3rd paragraph: delete the comma after "[RFC5444]".
Page 4, 1st full bullet item, 2nd sentence: delete the commas after "process"
and "usage". Change "is" to "are".
Page 5, 1st bullet item, 3rd sentence: delete "of" after "design".
Page 5, last bullet item: append a comma after "count".
Page 6, last paragraph, 2nd sentence: insert "may" before "pass". Change the
comma after "rules" to a semicolon.
Page 7, Section 1.3: change "makes" to "make" in both place. Change "impedes"
to "impede".
Page 7, Section 2, 2nd paragraph: append a comma after \"TLV\".
Page 9, Section 4.3, 2nd paragraph, 2nd sentence: append a comma after
"Originator Address".
Page 10, Section 4.4.1, 1st bullet item, 1st sentence: elide the comma after
"protocol".
Page 11, 1st bullet item, 2nd sentence: change "of" to "or".
Page 11, 3rd bullet item, 3rd sentence: remove the comma after "[RFC5444]".
Page 12, 3rd bullet item: change the comma to a semicolon.
Page 13, Section 4.5 title: append a comma after "Addresses".
Page 13, Section 4.5, 3rd bullet item: change "an" to "a".
Page 14, 4th bullet item: delete the comma after "Message".
Page 14, last paragraph: add a comma after "absence" and delete one following
"location".
Page 15, 1st full paragraph: insert "it" before "could".
Page 15, 2nd paragraph, 2nd sentence: change "routers" to "router's" or
"routers'".
Page 15, 4th paragraph, 2nd sentence: change the comma after TLV to a semicolon.
Page 15, 5th paragraph: delete the commas after "Type" and "Value".
Page 17, 1st partial paragraph, 1st full sentence: change "MPR_WILLNG" to
"MPR_WILLING".
Page 17, 1st full bullet item, 1st sentence: Strike the comma after "[RFC7182]".
Page 17, Section 5, 1st paragraph: delete the comma.
Page 17, Section 5, 1st paragraph after the bullet items: change the comma
after "structural" to a period. Capitalize the follow "they". Insert "are"
before "field lengths" if that makes sense.
Page 17, last paragraph: append a comma after "Block".
Page 18, 2nd bullet item: add a comma after "Block". Delete the comma after
"TLV".
Page 18, 2nd paragraph, 1st sentence: elide the comma after "[RFC5444]".
Page 18, 2nd paragraph, 2nd sentence: delete the comma after "accepted".
Page 18, 2nd paragraph, 3rd sentence: remove the comma after "mechanism".
Page 18, 2nd paragraph, 5th sentence: change "4 bit" to "4-bit".
Page 18, Section 6, 1st sentence: delete the commas following "different",
"same", "specification", and "information".
Page 18, Section 6, 2nd sentence: change the comma following "[RFC5444]" to a
period. Capitalize the following "any".
Page 19, 2nd to last paragraph, 1st sentence: change the comma after "only" to
a semicolon.
Page 19, 2nd to last paragraph, 2nd sentence: change the comma after "6.2)" to
a semicolon.
Page 19, last paragraph, 1st sentence: strike the comma after the 4th
occurrence of "addresses".
Page 19, last paragraph, 2nd sentence: append a comma after "example".
Page 20, Section 6.2, 1st paragraph: delete the comma.
Page 20, 1st bullet item: remove the comma after "straightforward".
Page 20, 2nd bullet item: change the second comma to a period. Capitalize the
following "see".
Page 21, 2nd paragraph, 2nd sentence: elide the comma after "advice".
Page 21, 2nd paragraph, last sentence: I can't parse this sentence. Consider
rewriting for clarity. There seems to be a missing clause.
Page 22, bullet item: delete the comma after "allowed".
Page 24, Appendix A, 1st paragraph, 2nd sentence: delete all of the commas.
Page 24, Appendix A, 1st paragraph after the bullet items, 2nd sentence: delete
both commas.
Page 25, Appendix B, 1st sentence: append a comma after "valuedness".
Page 25, Appendix B, 2nd sentence: remove the comma following "creation".
Page 25, Appendix B, 3rd sentence: change the comma after "independent" to a
period. Capitalize the following "for".
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